I hate the awful
feeling that engulfs me when I see everyone moving on the spacious other side
of the mirror, while I cling to the only available narrow and slippery edge that
is there on my side hoping any of them would ever become aware of my presence
inside what they think of as just a plain reflection of their deeds! Would my
last desperate scream pierce that smooth, enigmatic and stone cold surface of
the mirror? Would anyone lend a hand to save me before I fall into my dark well
of despair? Would anyone out there see anything but the reflection of his own convictions
and his own version of the future?
I can see them
smiling, laughing, and holding each other hands on that quiet, peaceful and
beautiful sandy beach unaware of that huge water wall that stealthily moves towards
them under the deceitful covers of darkness to destroy everything in its way,
even this thick mirror wall that I have endlessly failed to break, climb, or
even scratch !
I
have always thought that my only companion on this side is that creepy fading
voice constantly passes through my head whispering to me that they do not
deserve all that worry, anxiety, care and love! They don’t deserve all the
excuses that I have explicitly invented to justify their obliviousness and
unawareness! They don’t deserve all the dreams that I longed to realize for
them and their children! How could they deserve all of that while they have
been the ones who simply disbelieved in the values of freedom, democracy, diversity,
and acceptance of others?! How could they deserve any good while they have turned
themselves into a bunch of wooden puppets controlled by the interests of the
corrupt and hypocrite political elites, and accepted to play the role of the
supporting actor leaving the lead to those who want to destroy our unity and to
feed the starving spirit of discrimination and inequity ?!
Well, it seems that
I am wrong after all..!
The fading voice is
not my only companion. Anger was always there! Anger at those who I believed to
have got the vision and the insight, those who I have thought shared my
worries, anxiety, and fears but still failed to understand the reasons why I am
pushing my strength to the limit to keep clinging to that edge of hope that
barely prevents me from falling to my death inside the abyss of despair!
I know that the faith
in the ideologies of freedom and liberty, and the dedication to the means of
revolt and change are not what keep my fingertips more determined to hold to
that edge and to carry my burdened body with all its worries and disappointments!
But it was always that firm belief that this land can expand to stretch out on
both sides of the mirror to embrace everyone and to save those who still have
the last fragment of their strength to maintain their grips holding to the edge
of hope.
Sadly, I know that
those who stand on the other side are the ones who allowed hatred to creep into
their hearts towards me and my comrades when we decided to confront corruption,
repression, tyranny and monopoly despite the inevitable risks of interim chaos
and unrest, and the unavoidable sacrifices of our lives and souls for this
great homeland.
But I also believe
that, despite all, they are still my brothers and sisters who share with me the
love of every grain soil on this land, the moments of fear of the present, the
anxiety about the unpredictable future, and the extreme anger at those who
exploited god’s words!
I still share with
them the pain of losing our beloved ones and the ecstasy and joy of the moments
when we achieved what the whole world thought an impossible!
I still believe that
they deserve another chance to prove that they can get rid of all the threads
that control them, and to skip the scenes that have been written by the ink of surrender
and monotony for more than three decades. I still believe that they can write
their own script of freedom, prosperity and security. I believe that they can
play the lead role in a scene full of democracy, liberty, constructive
criticism, diversity and acceptance of different visions of a future they can
be proud of, and ultimately wish for their children.
My greatest fear now is that I will not be able to
share any of this with anyone on the other side. After all, it seems like my body decided to
let go and allow itself to free fall into the deep dark hole of despair and
uncertainty while my eyes are hooked to that tiny beam of light that desperately
seeks its way through the dark cloudy sky to save me before my collapsing body
hits the ground that I doubt it really exists.
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