Tuesday, July 10, 2018

The Other Side of The Mirror !

Ehab El Sheemy

At every moment, I am being killed by the extraordinary effort I make to hide the deep feeling that everything I have done is lost in vain. The draining resistance to my ever-growing desire to escape from everything around me and to confine myself to that chaotic and narrow corner where all the contradicting feelings of joy, pain, despair, hope, humiliation, pride, disbelief and faith overwhelms my whole senses!


I hate the awful feeling that engulfs me when I see everyone moving on the spacious other side of the mirror, while I cling to the only available narrow and slippery edge that is there on my side hoping any of them would ever become aware of my presence inside what they think of as just a plain reflection of their deeds! Would my last desperate scream pierce that smooth, enigmatic and stone cold surface of the mirror? Would anyone lend a hand to save me before I fall into my dark well of despair? Would anyone out there see anything but the reflection of his own convictions and his own version of the future?

I can see them smiling, laughing, and holding each other hands on that quiet, peaceful and beautiful sandy beach unaware of that huge water wall that stealthily moves towards them under the deceitful covers of darkness to destroy everything in its way, even this thick mirror wall that I have endlessly failed to break, climb, or even scratch ! 


I have always thought that my only companion on this side is that creepy fading voice constantly passes through my head whispering to me that they do not deserve all that worry, anxiety, care and love! They don’t deserve all the excuses that I have explicitly invented to justify their obliviousness and unawareness! They don’t deserve all the dreams that I longed to realize for them and their children! How could they deserve all of that while they have been the ones who simply disbelieved in the values ​​of freedom, democracy, diversity, and acceptance of others?! How could they deserve any good while they have turned themselves into a bunch of wooden puppets controlled by the interests of the corrupt and hypocrite political elites, and accepted to play the role of the supporting actor leaving the lead to those who want to destroy our unity and to feed the starving spirit of discrimination and inequity ?!


Well, it seems that I am wrong after all..!


The fading voice is not my only companion. Anger was always there! Anger at those who I believed to have got the vision and the insight, those who I have thought shared my worries, anxiety, and fears but still failed to understand the reasons why I am pushing my strength to the limit to keep clinging to that edge of hope that barely prevents me from falling to my death inside the abyss of despair!


I know that the faith in the ideologies of freedom and liberty, and the dedication to the means of revolt and change are not what keep my fingertips more determined to hold to that edge and to carry my burdened body with all its worries and disappointments! But it was always that firm belief that this land can expand to stretch out on both sides of the mirror to embrace everyone and to save those who still have the last fragment of their strength to maintain their grips holding to the edge of hope.


Sadly, I know that those who stand on the other side are the ones who allowed hatred to creep into their hearts towards me and my comrades when we decided to confront corruption, repression, tyranny and monopoly despite the inevitable risks of interim chaos and unrest, and the unavoidable sacrifices of our lives and souls for this great homeland.


But I also believe that, despite all, they are still my brothers and sisters who share with me the love of every grain soil on this land, the moments of fear of the present, the anxiety about the unpredictable future, and the extreme anger at those who exploited god’s words!


I still share with them the pain of losing our beloved ones and the ecstasy and joy of the moments when we achieved what the whole world thought an impossible!


I still believe that they deserve another chance to prove that they can get rid of all the threads that control them, and to skip the scenes that have been written by the ink of surrender and monotony for more than three decades. I still believe that they can write their own script of freedom, prosperity and security. I believe that they can play the lead role in a scene full of democracy, liberty, constructive criticism, diversity and acceptance of different visions of a future they can be proud of, and ultimately wish for their children. 


My greatest fear now is that I will not be able to share any of this with anyone on the other side.  After all, it seems like my body decided to let go and allow itself to free fall into the deep dark hole of despair and uncertainty while my eyes are hooked to that tiny beam of light that desperately seeks its way through the dark cloudy sky to save me before my collapsing body hits the ground that I doubt it really exists.

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